Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
only you would photoshop your dick
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
