My first STD was from a foam party
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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