Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
