Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize