Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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