I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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