remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Randomize
