If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
i think i just lost a toe
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
