There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize