He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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