I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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