omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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