I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
