we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
