Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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