Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
