Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
you had me at cake vodka
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Randomize
