How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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