I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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