sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
