you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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