dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Don't tell me you're on acid again
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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