The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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