i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
