I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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