Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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