Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
