the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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