Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
