I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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