On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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