you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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