My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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