I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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