I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize