Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
