you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
