Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
