11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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