i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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