Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
