i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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