Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
