Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
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