Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
