I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
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