I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
