I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
