weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
All I want is dick and wine.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
