If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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