The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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