dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
