peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
