It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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