I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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