btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I just found puke in my bra..
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
