Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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