The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
