I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
