So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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